While the answer to the title question might seem simple, discover the subtleties within this idea.
Adele wrote in asking the following question:
"If I don't want sex with my partner, is that a form of control from me? Therefore, should I have sex even though it brings up painful feelings? Should I just feel the feelings? They only come up at that time."
In this situation, it is important to identify the difference in not
wanting sex and having sex just to keep your partner happy. It doesn't
sound like Adele is trying to control her partner by not having sex, but
it does sound like she is trying to control her own feelings. If
Adele's intent was to learn,
she would be willing to allow the feelings to come up and then be
willing to explore the feelings at the time. Since they only come up
during sex, this might involve lack of communication with her partner,
letting her partner know that she is having painful feelings and needs
to stop and explore them.
If Adele has sex with her partner and just feels the painful feelings
without learning, then she is giving herself up to her partner, which is
a form of control. If she is too afraid of her partner's reaction
that she does not stop to explore and learn from her painful feelings,
then she is trying to control how her partner feels about her. This is
controlling through compliance.
There is much for Adele to learn here. If the painful feelings are
physical, then she needs to see a doctor and get checked out.
If the painful feelings are caused by vaginismus (a spasm of the
vaginal muscles making penetration very painful or impossible) she may
need therapeutic help. Perhaps there is sexual abuse in her background
that she needs to heal. Perhaps there are current problems in the
relationship that need attending to. If her partner is coming from neediness
regarding sex, she might feel responsible for her partner and feel that
she needs to give herself up to please her partner. If her partner is
not empathetic toward her pain, then her partner likely has some
narcissism and Adele needs to come to terms with this. Most important,
she needs to move into compassion for her own painful feelings and learn
from them. Avoiding them by not having sex or by giving herself up and
having sex without dealing with the feelings is self-abandonment.
The very fact that Adele is asking this question indicates self-abandonment.
If she wanted responsibility for her feelings, she would never have sex
and endure the pain. Nor would she deprive herself and her partner of a
loving sexual relationship by avoiding the problem. It sounds like she
is judging herself for not wanting sex and for possibly trying to
control, rather than opening to learning about the problem.
If it turns out that there are problems in the relationship that are
leading to the painful feelings, then Adele would need to have the
courage to address the problems with her partner. Her question indicates
that she and her partner do not have an open arena in which to explore
this issue, or any issue for that matter. If that is the case, this
alone might be the problem. Adele likely needs to feel safe in the
sexual situation, and a lack of an open arena in which to explore, learn
and grow with each other creates an unsafe environment.
Obviously, the answer to the question is not an easy one. In order to
move forward with this issue, Adele needs to consider learning from her
feelings rather than continue avoiding them. It is likely her intent to
avoid responsibility for her feelings that led to the question in the
first place. Sometimes intent can be fairly subtle!
Is it okay to say no to sex? I don't look at it as okay or not okay. I
look at it in terms of intent—either to avoid pain with some form of
controlling, avoidant behavior, or to learn about what is loving to
oneself and take loving action on one's own behalf.
